Thursday, September 27, 2007


So how do you know when you've found your soulmate?

When you dont have to worry about your parents dissapproving of him when you bring him home to meet them?

Does it just click in your head suddenly?

Do you just know that he's the one you could spend the rest of your life with?

But what if you feel scared all of a sudden because though you and he share that chemistry, you cannot see any smooth paths beyond just a boyfriend.

So in situations like these, what do you do?

Give it a go and see what happens? Then maybe face having to hurt and be hurt in the future?

Or play it safe and try hardest not to move beyond good friends?

What if taking this chance is what I should do? Part of the plan for my life?

What if by playing safe, I miss out on one of the best things in my life?

But then.. what if this is a wall i have to bang hard into to learn a lesson?

Now that I am in this situation, i beg for forgiveness of those I so easily and cruelly judged before. truly, I am sorry. Sigh... What goes around comes around.... do to others what you want others to do to you...

He's almost everything my parents didnt want my partner to be... he makes me so beautiful.....yet so disgusted, angry and hurt sometimes....I dont know whether he's as strong as he should be... whether his word can be taken.....I just dont know...

What to do..what to do....

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


FINALLY over it is... but yet not really.. Post-mortem coming up... programme book errors...stuffs.. jamie puts it 'die-ded'.

But yeah, whateverlah. worry about that later i shall. For now, it went great! thanks for the support everyone!

Thank you a certain sum1 for being the sweetest thing in the world to stop me from murder and madness. :) i owe u!

Tempered-mental were seriously GREAT ok... the bassist was goooooooood ok.. stage performace was excellent! the was she skillfully slapped the bass, the way she played it and sang at the same time, throwing her head accordingly to the time, beat and emotion of the song! and oh my gosh! the electric guitarist! super talented, wonderful solo! drummer...i take my hat off to u man.... they so made my night!

Bobo and band...loved ur style! jazzy and relaxing. The songs meaningful lagi tu... (and bobo's cute..hahah!) Josh and slunk, u guys rocked too..the sound man made it so unique! he was sitting on the floor adding in peculiar yet very cool sounds in... DJ Bad Boy Ben, you so know how to groove up the house!

I love music. :) time to pick up a new instrument. :P

Friday, September 21, 2007


These are the times where I stomach my pain and smile for the world.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


Jesus said "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."- Mark 11: 25.


Aaahh... finally I can breathe.... finally there are NO emails in my inbox. The official launch went well, and we got quite a good response. Thank you PHUNKERs for making this a sucess. thx jamie for coordinating this so well. Sponsors got the crowd they needed, the publicity they wanted, and I'm going to collect another cheque tmr!! yay!

for now....

PRW- assignment due on friday!!! note to self: MUST START!
AW - research and script, plus practise for forum next Wed
PR 2- re-edit the research paper once mr. Kumar returns the draft that i didnt sleep for.
IMC - research and prepare presentation and paper for the maid abuse thingy!! start denise, start...
CPM- meeting tmr, and preperation and ticket selling, promoting of the final event on TUESDAY next week!!!!

Please do come to the Laundry Bar on the 25th of September. Come, bring your friends, chill, ejoy the relaxingly cool performances, buy a raffle ticket (from me!! ;P )for only RM 10, and you can get super duper nice goody bag worth much more than RM 10. stand a very BIG chance to win attractive prizes... ;)

See ya there!!


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Daddy's birthday!!!

oh my gosh!!! i cant believe I forgot my daddy's birthday!!!!!! Shit... this is the 1st time in 19 years of my life that i have forgotten his birthday!! and i dont even have the proper results to present to him! bloody hell! im such a failure....oh my gosh! i feel like an ungreatful spoilt brat who's consumed in her little selfish world of self pity and patheticness... I'm sorry daddy.. I'm sorry for my deteriorating results.. I'm sorry i failed papers..I'm so so sorry....i hope you have a blessed birthday there. im sorry.

Maybe it's me...

Is it me? Was i wrong? Is something wrong with me? Why? Over and over again..the people i get close to, the people i spend time with, the people i trust end up hurting me... always ending up in strained relationships? why? is it me? seriously...Am i that detestable? Am I that Irritating? Am I that bitchy? What? What is it? Why?

Do I rub off on the wrong side of people? Am I such a freak? Am I such a Hypocrite?I dont get it... i just dont...

Maybe it's me.....Maybe it's all me....

Happy Birthday to you............!!!!

On a lighter note, Happy birthday Maki babe!! :D ur finally 18!!! yay!! Finally legal enough for us to go...muahaha!! U so know, lights, dancing, uh...juice.. ;)


Bull shit. All of it pathetic bullshit. BULLSHIT ya hear me...bllshit.


Either I'm f**kin fat...or I'm f**kin bloated... either way, it both f**kin sucks. F**k my diet! F**k my eating pattern. F***!!!

Monday, September 17, 2007

Screw it.

Aah... screw the bloody lessons. Screw the random shit.


Let the past be past. I will put it behind me and move on.

I will smile a triumphant smile because i have overcome my problems and not a 'Painful, scary, weird smile' as Des and Dore put it.

Pretence is not being strong. It is pretence.

My eyes are the window to my heart, and no matter how much i try to hide it, it is obvious i am pretending. So I have to learn to deal with it and triumph over it. Else i produce 'weird scary smiles'. Haha! God has blessed me with the ability to be expressive, I will embrace it and use it to Glorify Him. Don't really know how yet, but will find a way. :)

It's all in the mind....what you think you are, you become.

Saxaphone or instrumental music really heals and ministers the soul...

I have a Big God, thus, all my problems become nothing but a tiny speck.

I have great leaders and friends.

God-Brothers are God-Brothers for a reason... thank you Dore.

PMS is dangerous....haha! Really dangerous....

Trust, once lost is very hard, if even possible to regain. Choosing who and what to trust should be a very careful and selective process.

Patience is a virtue.

Never take advantage of a person for your own personal gain. That's one of the meanest and most hurtful things any human being could do.

Piercings on the bone actually hurt a lot....especially when ur long hair pulls on it... YEOWCH!! yeah...

Sleep is good for stress.. hehe... so i shall sleep now.


Saturday, September 15, 2007

Piercing No. 4

ok ok.. I admit... piercings are an addiction...

*Stress Bah!!*

Friday, September 14, 2007

A treasure found now lost...

I'm sorry it has to end this way, but other options are there none.
A promise made that wasn't kept, a step too far was taken...

Wrong I was for leading you on. I never meant it that way.....
All I wanted was a friend, and in you I found one, the bestest i ever could....

I love you, oh so much,
But only as a friend and nothing more.

But now situiations and instincts tell me a clear cut must be made...
This time a decision only God helped me make.

Cruel as it is, there is no other option,
For things are getting out of hand.

Never again will I be open to human kind,
Till God reveals to me I can.

Sorry dear friend it has to end this way,
May you find your strength and comfort in the Lord,

For He will never forsake nor dissappoint you.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Sabahan's Nite OUT!

Dinner at manhattan fish market with the birthday girl, Carol!!!!

haha! Jackqie when she's around carol ( bit mad..wahahah!)

Haha! Jackqie thinking of a song to dedicate to Carol...( love this pic! so her..hahah!)

Aww... Carol and Jackqie.

Carol and I

Carol and her 'orgasm' ( hhaha!)

My 'Long Island'

We had Margarita too!! I like it!

Hehe.. and had fun while we were at it. ;P

Thank you for the great night all who were there. :) especially to the someone who got me home safe. :)

Happy birthday Carol Darling, and thank you for being so 'Darling-ish' ;)

*dont mix long island and margarita unless u want the most horrible stomach ache in the world! Kan Jackqie?

Monday, September 10, 2007

God's gift....."it can be so painful"

No, i wont give up, I wont run away.. but there's so much much stress...
Blanketed personality.. oh how it suffocates me.. Chokes me till I tear.... The air ,tense and clouded by misunderstnading is stifling...the anger heats me up till beads of pespiration wets the blanket so that it clings on harder to my face...the tears of fear and terror falling from my eyes make things worse, so i stop crying. I try to calmly think of a way of escape... why not move my arms to pull off this blanket? I try.... the numbness takes that ability away...still.. I'm trained to be strong. With much determination...

Finally, I feel my hands moving, then my arms. Does this mean escape? Freedom? My heart lifts only to be dissappointed again... no, i was decieved... the more I move, the more tangled I get..NO NO!! what am I doing?! my hands just wont stop! I try to control the situation, but all the oxygen is cut off! I cant breathe! I cant think! No. I must not cry. I must not cry....Tears flow down, and I curse myself for being weak... My lungs sting and burn from the lack of air, my body out of control...Surpressed, I struggle so hard my eyes roll to the back of my head... i see nothing but black... There is a light in the distance...A light of hope... But why cant i reach towards it? Im pinned into this spot....

Why do I still choose to love when all I get is pain in return? Why is the message preached but not taken to heed? Why do we blame our cultures and others for mistakes that we make? Why are we humble yet proud? Why say we love, but stomp each other into the ground?

Why do we have to be limited by rumours and stereotypes? Why is there no more unconditional love? No respect, no manners, no loyalty, all sefishness and greed.. 'What's best for me' , 'How will I benefit from this?' Why do people have to challenge everything and anything? Is it because they are critical thinkers, or is it just to protect an ego? I dont know... I really dont.. I dont want to know.... It's too tiring to find out...

Strong i was born, strength was embedded in me, and strength I will show, stifling as this blanket is.

I refuse to conform to what society wants me to be, not because I'm rebellious, but because I chose to be me. God made me as I am, and that's who I shall be.

Lord, I cannot do this alone....You are my light, my hope, my air. Come and save me Lord, come into my heart. Take control of my body Lord, for mine it is not. *Help..*

Thursday, September 6, 2007


Lord am I worthy to wear the symbol of your sacrifice on my neck?
Am I worthy of Your residence in my heart?
How can You still love me after everything?
How can you love me after i yet again dissappoint You?
Lord, why me?
I feel so useless right now Lord.... why me? Is it real? But I'm such a failure.. a dissappointment...
Lord.... please forgive me.. I love You... I really do.... I want to serve You... Lord, consecrate me... please Lord...I need You... Is this real? I'm so confused...
I love You......

Monday, September 3, 2007

My past...

I miss the people of my past.. oh so badly....

From Labuan...

From Jakarta...

I miss my life in Jakarta, I miss that wonderfully expensive International school, I miss the life of being UN-CHINESE... I miss the syllabus, I miss the big houses, the apartments, i miss the life there!! The concerts, the music classes, the church, the friends...I miss being able to kiss each other's cheeks and cling hands and show affection in public, I miss teaching of the proper polite way of doing things, I miss swimming or P.E. (Physical excersize) everyday, I miss gym class, I miss Ballet, i miss International day, I miss being western...un-Malaysian..I miss mom always baking, I miss my house-help, Tetty, I miss shepherd pie..mum's is still the best...I miss the wonderful school cafeteria..i miss so much about that life...

From KK

I miss Datuk Simon Fung, I miss the music teacher, I especially miss a certain someone who 1st befriended me when I felt rejected and alienated and alone in school..I miss being in the same school as my cousin ..I miss my cousins, aunties, uncles, Po Po, Grandmama...the church, my friends there....I miss Gung Gung so so much... i wish he didnt go so early....i wanted to get to know him so much he's just a distant memory....

From Singapore

I miss my cousins, Uncle, Auntie and Chora!!! I miss the steamboat dinners, the apple cake, tangerine cake, the butter and moist chocolate cake... i miss the apple ham, i miss the salads, the sushi dinners, the lemon murang...i miss it all..

From Kluang, Johor

I miss My dearest family, and all the wonderful people that I grew up knowing.... oh oh!! and my dog! I miss the school life.. i miss working in Barney';s, i miss driving... i miss Youth Fellowship...I miss home...

But the 2 biggest things i miss now at this very moment, is my life in Jakarta, and that someone special from KK.. :)

Chill pill..let's take the chill pill....ahahahah!

God really answers prayers... He sent a friend when I'm in need, He sent tea when i needed calming.. He sent me good memory and common sense when i needed... He helped me wake up from naps when i just needed a short shut eye and was scared i wouldnt be able to wake in time...He sent me passages of assurance when I needed..he sent me creativity when I wanted, He helped me get over my cravings cos I asked Him to help me with my diet.... He sent me great brothers and sisters in Christ when I needed...

Lesson: Start the day with helps oh so much...cammomile tea too.. ;D

*then have a wonderful ham sandwich, clean your room, study a bit, rest your eyes, change into a tee and jeans, put on your sunnies, walk to college, take your test and walk back smiling in the lovely sun with your sunnies on...then sit in front of ur computer and blog while studying for the next test...

** Even the toilet that smells like super funky (the bad way) really bad...the sink is full of gunk and toothpaste that both he and his brother don't know how to spit properly...It doesnt bother me today...i'll clean it up usual.... :)